I’m happy you are here.
Certain ‘Firsts’ are mine to share with my child, please don’t spoil it for us.
Let’s stick to the agreed disciple plan.
Please don’t spoil my child.
I appreciate being invited to things, even if I don’t always come.
Don’t bad-mouth me and I won’t bad-mouth you.
I know my relationship with my ex is over, but sometimes it’s hard.
Mother’s day is for me, there is a step-mother’s day.
Money is a tough topic, please don’t always assume I’m out just for myself.
It matters to me that he/she has a good role model.
I hate it when you compare your child to mine.

This was one Mother’s wish- list to her child’s step-mother. It is a unique list and may not be the same for you, but I like the concept so thought I would share. The things might be different for girls and boys, and different according to their ages and the proximity with which you live.

I’m happy you are here:

Congratulations – you’ve married my ex! – now you are a step mother. Your relationship with my ex and his children was a package that you readily agreed to. Now we have the business of raising these children together to be responsible adults able to hold down a job and have friends – right? I am happy to work with you, and co-exist amicably. But we need to be able to work together.

Certain ‘firsts’ are mine to share with my child, please don’t spoil it for us.

When my daughter became 5, you took her to have her first manicure. She felt so grown up and special, but frankly that moment should have been mine. The same goes for when she wants to have her ears pierced, or her long pretty childhood hair cut to something more grown up. Before you have these irreversible experiences please check with me first. It really matters to me.

Let’s stick the agreed disciple plan.

All children test rules and I know my child will be no exception. The odd time-out is inevitable. But it needs to be in a way my child understands. Please be sure that my child knows what’s expected and knows what the consequences are in advance. I know many children use the two household scene to their advantage and may even say, “you’re not my Mum – so I don’t have to do as you say”. But I expect my child to do as you say, I am happy for him to have rules and limits and for you and my ex to stand your ground.

Please don’t spoil my child.

Remember that gameboy you bought him that he wanted so badly? I had said no. I had told him no. It was out of my price bracket. I know you may not have realised that, but this undermines and embarrasses me. I sometimes worry that you might be trying to make him prefer you to me. Please could you check in with me before buying big item purchases? And please think before you buy. My child doesn’t need the latest glitzy sun-glasses at aged 12. I may have said no to something for good reason, or maybe because he got ‘e’ for his maths end of term test.

I appreciate being invited to things, even if I don’t always come:

When you are having a birthday celebration that involves my child, please invite me too. I would really appreciate that. I may feel too awkward to attend, but not being excluded helps. So please keep inviting me. I shall do the same for you, and maybe one day we may be able to share time together in this way. If I do come, or you come to me, it will mean a lot to the child.

Don’t bad-mouth me and I won’t bad-mouth you.

Please, please don’t talk about me negatively when my child is around. They normally tell me what you have said when they get home and it does nothing for your relationship with them , my relationship with you or my relationship with my kids. I won’t bad-mouth you, please don’t bad mouth me. Let’s just rub along together when we disagree.

I know my relationship with my ex is over, but sometimes it’s hard how life has turned out.

Please don’t feel insecure about me being in your husband’s life. Believe me it’s over between me and him. Because we are parents together we have to co-parent. This means we need to communicate sometimes. Now I don’t see my kid every day and that’s hard. It’s also hard to share him with you, but on the whole I appreciate someone there to help parent. I appreciate the support and encouragement you give my child. It’s great you are committed and take an interest in his life. When we can be there for piano recitals and sporting events together it means the world to him. But believe me I’m not trying to win my husband back. Good riddance to all that fantasy football and good on you for dealing with it. He and I are divorced. I’m okay with that.

Mother’s day is for me, there is a step-mother’s day.

Yes, you are a mother, and my children may want to give you gifts, but as biological Mum this day is mine. I carried them for nine months, nursed them and weaned them, they are mine biologically. The whole day is mine. Nowadays there is a new date called step-mother’s day on both sides of the Atlantic.

Money is a tough topic, please don’t always assume I’m out just for myself.

When I ask for extra money to buy or pay for something over the top, please don’t assume I’m just out for myself to get what I can. I am just trying to take care of the kids and that means your husbands kids too. He needs to support his children even if they live mainly with me. It does mean that sometimes I will need the money, but that’s what was agreed at the divorce.

You as a role model matters to me for my children.

Yes, I am over my ex, but I wonder sometimes that you and he got together before he was my ex. I wonder sometimes about the morals being taught to my children by you because of this. I worry that my children will cheat and lie when they grow up. I know that I need to get over it, but you should know that that hurts me deeply.

I also know that you are head-over-heels in love with each other. How nice! However my children tell me you cuddle and kiss in front of them. This makes me, and them, feel uncomfortable. I know you can keep your hands off each other in public, please when my children are with you, could you confine your activities to behind your bedroom door? Oh, and one further request in this area, please cover up and wear enough clothes! My kids are becoming teens, it is awkward for them.

I hate it when you compare your child to mine:

We all like to think our kids are the best. I can relate to that, but making my child feel second best in your home can knock her confidence and self-esteem. It also damages her relationship with her father. She sometimes says she doesn’t feel as good as his ‘new’ family. When my children are in your home you are a parent to them too, please see good in them, treat them as they were your own, comment favourably, encourage effort and praise for jobs well done.

Thank you.